


The Five Laws Of Hope

by Veniality



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coping, Healthy Levi Squad, Hope, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Squad Levi has nothing to do with the implied rape they are supportive healthy good men, Substance Abuse, Trust, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veniality/pseuds/Veniality
Summary: After experiencing a traumatic event, Petra struggles to find her way back in life and confide in the people around. When she ends up realizing that the men around her can be trusted and are her pillars to rely on, she finds them showing her different ways to get her grip back on life and help her cope, while one by one offering her laws to live by and keep her hopes for the future up.
Relationships: Levi & Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado & Eld Jinn & Petra Ral & Gunther Schultz, Petra Ral & Eld Jinn, Petra Ral & Gunther Schultz, Petra Ral & Oluo Bozado
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> @venialityyy on Tumblr

1.

‘What am I still doing here?’ The words never left her mouth but she felt as if she had been yelling them. Her throat ached. She wanted to cry when she finally was alone, but no one ever left her alone so she was stuck here trying to hold back her tears for hours now.

Petra had refused to eat for so long her squad mates started to contemplate all possible ways to get her to eat. She really wasn’t hungry, why couldn’t they leave her alone? She tried to argue their reasonable attempts to make her eat. Eld had tried to make her eat a healthy meal. He had placed the plate in front of her, at the table in the mess hall.

The guys were all there: Levi, Eld, Gunther and Oluo. They made an attempt on small talk. The now and then they tried to make Petra join in on the conversation, but she never felt the need to respond. She just kept staring at her filled plate, waiting for the boys to start picking at the left overs, which they always do when Petra is unable to finish her own meal all by herself. Except, not today.

‘Come on, you have to eat something.’ Eld stared at Petra’s untouched plate. The men had all finished their meals and were now deliberately waiting for her to finish hers. They had been waiting for quite some time, but Petra hadn’t even started yet.

‘At least some vegetables?’ Eld tried to negotiate. Petra gave him a glare, she wasn’t a six year old! She knew vegetables are healthy and that she needed to eat at some point, but it was impossible for her. She had her jaws clenched tightly the whole time to keep herself from sobbing, she couldn’t possibly open her mouth. Not even for the vegetables.

Petra pushed the chair back and got up, she couldn’t stand being in their presence anymore. She knew she wasn’t being fair towards them: they only tried to help, but god, she did want them to leave her alone. She was three steps away from the table and it had almost made her believe she could get away, when suddenly Levi started to speak.

‘Where are you going?’ he asked, though Petra could hear from the way he spoke that he wasn’t angry at all, just genuinely curious, it didn’t matter. Yet it did make her angry, and it took a lot of effort to keep herself composed when she turned back around to face the men at the table. Petra had no answer at the ready, so she decided to answer the way she had answered all evening: by saying nothing instead.

‘Are you planning on starving yourself?’ Petra really wanted to tell them yes, to let them know how sick she felt. If only they understood the pain she had felt… But they didn’t and they would never be able to fully comprehend what she had been through. It made her furious. It made her blood boil. She looked at them, one by one, faced their compassionate faces. They had tried to care for her as if he was a duckling, trying to help her, but how could they? They would never feel the things she had felt, and though unfair, she had resented them for it.

Petra wanted to grab her plate and throw it to the other side of the mess hall, to hell with her food, let the strays have her food! She wasn’t going to eat it. So she grabbed the plate and held it firmly in her hand, restraining herself from throwing it around. She did realize that she was only so close to becoming the center of attention here in the mess hall, so she took a deep breath before speaking as diplomatically as she could.

‘I’ll take it with me, I’ll eat it later, I just want to be alone.’ Petra couldn’t get herself to wait for permission to leave, so she just turned around and paced away. Anxiety rushed through her body and she held her breath waiting for the captain to have none of it and call her back.

All the way from the table to the door had her hands been shaking. Was it the anxiety or not eating anything for days? Not that Petra really cared. Her fingers touched the door knob and she realized how close to leaving she was. Petra felt clumsy for having so much trouble opening the door, if only her hands would stop shaking! All this time she hadn’t heard Levi disagreeing with her actions, so she continued to leave, shutting the door behind her again.

Now she could finally be alone. Now she could finally unclench her jaws. No one was around anymore, no one would see her cry.

The first sob left her throat before she couldn’t control herself anymore, crying her eyes out. She had already found a way to get rid of the food, because frankly, she wasn’t at all planning on eating it. She traded a lie to get her loneliness, and Petra found it to be the best trade she had ever made.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

It was a strange sensation. To be so disconnected from her body, and the world around her, yet to be so painfully aware of what had happened and how the world around her responds to it. She hadn’t been strong enough for only a short period in her life, but that moment kept on filling her mind now. The scene, the feeling, her frantic thoughts, it all kept on repeating in slow motion. She had never been so aware of her heartbeat, how her ragged breathing made her feel dizzy, but her adrenaline kept her awake. Now Petra is safe in her own bed, but safety is everything that she wasn’t feeling. Her body as cold and still as a corpse at a deathbed, but inside a desolate mess. 

As much as she had wanted to stay here, focused in her dark room, she couldn’t help her mind wandering other places. Petra still felt dirty. She showered before she went to bed, she does that every night since then, but she still feels dirty. She tends to take more time in the bathroom than Eld, Gunther and Oluo combined, but they didn’t seem to mind yet. Perhaps they were happy she was cleaning herself so much, what if they were disgusted of her now? And what about Levi? He must be so disappointed and grossed out, the thought of that even hurt her more than her own thoughts could.

Nausea crept up from her stomach to her esophagus while her irregular breathing started to hurt her chest a little. It was hard to bear, but she has to deal with it now, the whole event was her own fault anyway. If only she had been stronger, if only she had been more cautious, if only she had been more reactive…

Petra had been a mess, everybody must have been able to tell by the way she acts. Shame had become her daily outfit and she wears it religiously.

_Nanaba must have figured out by the way she jumps when people come near her. Petra has been avoiding close contact to an extreme, ensuring a distance of a meter from others. She remembers her own uncomfortable shifting when she got stuck in a crowd this morning. Nanaba tried to pass her, and Nanaba’s sudden presence made her squeal. Nanaba gave her a pensive look before continuing her movement._

She must know by now.

_Mike must have been able to smell it on her. It somehow didn’t matter how often she had washed herself, scrubbed herself, or what scented oils she used, he must have been able to smell it. Petra wonders what it would smell like, but the thought of what that could be made her retch. That must be what Mike thinks of her now. Her presence in the same room must have made him sick, it’s impressive he could keep composure._

He must know by now.

_Gelgar and Moblit knew too. She had made it too obvious. She knew her coping skills were lacking and she shouldn’t have reached for the bottle._

_She had rushed to their table this evening. They always sat there, chatting about the day, bonding over stress and drinking a glass or two. Petra had never bothered to join them before, but the overwhelming urge to drink made her approach them before she could think._

_“Can I have a glass too?” she couldn’t remember the last time she had been so direct. The two men looked her direction sheepishly, tired and a bit drunk. Moblit had welcomed her to take a seat next to him while Gelgar proceeded to pour her a glass, but Petra didn’t bother to stay long._

_“Do we have a new addict to join our club?” Gelgar asked her, he must have thought he was funny in his drunken stupor. Petra downed the glass of wine in one go and silently prayed she would drown. Disgusted by the taste she coughed and slammed the glass back on the table. She thanked them before immediately leaving again. Moblit and Gelgar, still sheepish, tried to analyze what just happened, though neither of them were able to say something clever about it._

They must know by now.

Everybody knows by now.

Tears had already made their way down her face by the time Petra realized she was still safe in her bed. Not that it would calm down her mind. Not by itself. With shaking hands she grabbed for some pills the doctor had given her very reluctantly a couple of days ago. She had refrained from using them so far. Eld had told her not to, they could become addictive. But Eld wasn’t here now. He couldn’t tell her what to do. So Petra did the last thing she should have done, it seemed like a solution at the time. She was confident she was going to disappoint Eld tomorrow, but it eased her mind right now. She swallowed the pill and washed it down with water, waiting for it to do the coping for her. 


	3. Eld: The First Law

  1. Eld: The First Law



A knock on the door had woken her up from drifting away in memories. She had already been up for a while, she showered again and was sitting on the bed side before Oluo’s knocking on the door also knocked her out of her stream of thoughts. The sudden noise had made her jump but Petra quickly regained composure.

‘I brought you some things’ Oluo stood awkwardly in the middle of her room, as if he had entered a zone forbidden for him. Not that Petra didn’t want to see him. It had just been feeling weird to have men around.

Even though her birthday was far away, Oluo had brought all kinds of stuff to gift her.

‘So I was thinking, now you get a little scared in the dark, it might be nice to have some extra candles… So it won’t be dark in your room.’ He waited shortly for a response. Petra already had so many candles, and she had already burned out so many as well, still she considered it thoughtful. Oluo clumsily continued his explanation to his gifts, ‘In case you want to hug someone… But not actually someone… Like, not a person, you can hug this plushie. I mean, we would hug you if you wanted to, but if you don’t want to be hugged…by a person, you have a plushie to hug.’ He must have hoped he had already bitten his tongue as he was visibly cringing by his clumsy speech, so he decided to finish quickly.

‘I also got you a blueberry muffin, because you need to eat, and well, I happen to remember those are your favorite…’ Petra was sure she was not going to eat the blueberry muffin, even though they were her favorite, but she thanked him gratefully nonetheless.

She accidentally ran right into Eld. He took a step back, for her sake. Before Petra was able to process the way he had been making space for her, she thought of his advice she had ignored. He had told her not to take the pills, to think of other ways to cope, but she hadn’t listened. Should she admit?

‘Please don’t be angry…’ Petra pulled the sleeve of her shirt, ‘I did something wrong.’ Eld could only stand where he stood, being confused while waiting for her to disclose her sin.

‘I did actually take some pills last night.’ Petra anxiously waited for his anger, she had expected him to scold her, to remind her how he told her not to, but his anger didn’t come.

‘Oh well, new day, new chance.’ Petra could swear her jaw had fallen from her face. Is this what she had been scared of?

‘Really?’ she asked him.

‘You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You can only do so much at a time, I’d rather see you put an effort in eating, though.’ Petra rolled her eyes as she tried to leave the kitchen again. It was always the same debate about eating, and it was always Eld trying to make her eat, or him getting others to convince her to eat.

‘Don’t go, I’ll help you, we’ll eat together. We’ll alternate taking a bite, okay? I will go first, like this.’ Eld took the first bite of his breakfast before gesturing her to take a bite of the breakfast he had prepared for her. ‘It is your turn now.’

Petra sighed but decided to give in and sit down across him. She finally took a bite, before insinuating him of the thing that had bothered her for a while now.

‘You’ve told everyone, right? Everyone knows about it now.’ Eld raised his brow in confusion, he couldn’t remember telling anyone she didn’t want him to tell.

‘No, Petra, I didn’t tell anyone but captain Levi.’ Had she imagined it all then? Nanaba didn’t know? Mike hadn’t smelled it on her? Moblit and Gelgar never really registered the situation? Petra had been feeling all eyes were focused on her while in reality no one had been watching her so closely as she had imagined they would. ‘No one but me and captain Levi know what happened. Not even Gunther or Oluo.’ Eld finished as he took a bite from his food, it was his turn anyway.

_He knew something was off about Petra. She was way more jumpy than ever before and she had been avoiding people religiously. He wasn’t the only one who had noticed. Oluo and Gunther had been inquiring about her as well, but she simply hadn’t said much about it. Eld had ensured them he would visit her later that evening, ask her if she wanted to talk, so he found himself in her room now with his arms crossed and a stern but concerned look on his face._

_‘You know I’m not going to believe it, I know something is wrong, don’t try to fool me.’ Petra had been denying anything was going on, but frankly, no one believed it. Simply no one had directly questioned her yet. Now had been the first time she couldn’t keep her act together, Eld could see her break in front of him as she started to sob uncontrollably. He had held out his arms to invite her for a hug, but she refused and Eld lowered his arms awkwardly again._

_‘Okay, okay, I’ll tell you, but please promise me you won’t tell anyone!’ and so she had told him after he solemnly swore he wouldn’t tell anyone without her permission._

_‘Are you sure the captain shouldn’t know about this too?’ disclosing all this to Eld hadn’t made him worry less, ‘you know he could help you too, but not if he doesn’t know.’_

_There had been a silence. Petra was thinking, but her head was so clouded it took all of her energy to weigh the options. She took a deep breath before making the decision._

_‘He should know then, but I don’t want to tell him.’ That was all Eld needed to hear, and nodded when reassuring her: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you.’_

_On his way to the captain’s office he crossed Gunther and Oluo, waiting for his intel, but Eld didn’t give them much space for questioning and briefly told them Petra wasn’t ready for them to know yet. It was all they needed. They gave him a quick nod before walking off, accepting her wish for them not to know right away._

_Eld knocked on the office door of his superior, before entering. It had already been quite late by now, and the room was dimly lit by a couple of candles._

_‘I came because I need to share some concerns about Petra.’ Eld opened the conversation, before shutting the door behind him._

‘It is your turn again’ Eld broke Petra’s trail of thoughts and made her take a bite again. ‘I’m proud of you for visiting the doctor, that was a very brave thing to do, did you already receive some results?’ This subject kind of stung Petra, because she did receive the results, and she didn’t like them. Eld had taken notice of her sudden discomfort and realized what the answer might be.

‘Okay, I see..’ a short silence fell before Eld continued, ‘If you want me to, I could help you schedule some appointments, I’ll help you attend them too.’ He took another bite of his food, it was his turn again and Petra wouldn’t eat until he fulfilled his promise to alternately eat. It would only take Petra one last bite to finish her breakfast. Now she had successfully eaten her first breakfast in days, trying her favorite muffin didn’t seem so difficult anymore.

‘I’m proud of you, you’re taking baby steps, but even baby steps are progress.’ Eld got up, he had some assignments to finish and other work to do. He couldn’t spend all day staying close to her, so he left her at the table. At least he could be sure she had met her basic needs, but he didn’t leave her without teaching her the first law of hope in recovery.

‘Keep on caring for yourself, if you can’t, let others help you instead. Sometimes you have to go back to basics, because your basic needs deserve to be met. You cannot hope for betterment if you neglect your most basic of needs. That means, concretely, you have to keep on eating and drinking, make sure you have a roof over your head and keep on filling your lungs with oxygen. I want you to be better, so I’ll help you with that. Ask me if you need me, I’ll be around.’

Petra couldn’t help but actually smile for the first time in days. She stared down at her plate. She did feel better now, and she did feel a bit proud of herself. She knew she could count on Eld and she wanted him to know how much she had appreciated his help.

‘Thank you.’ She uttered while looking up from her empty breakfast plate, but Eld had already left.


	4. Levi: The Second Law

  1. Levi: The Second Law



Levi had invited her for a cup of tea in his room, and Petra had felt nothing but suspicion yet. She was sure what the topic of this conversation would be, and she really didn’t enjoy being the center of attention like this.

She knew she hadn’t been able to give training her all, lately. Petra didn’t feel any form of motivation to get out of bed, let alone arrive on training site on time, or to participate seriously in training. Especially hand-to-hand combat had become an issue, and so far she had found excuses not to participate in every hand-to-hand combat training session. She didn’t receive much scolding for it, yet, but she was ensured Levi would use his time to also bring that up.

What if he even intended on firing her from his squad? What if the whole situation had made him believe she was wholly incapable to continue as his subordinate? She suddenly felt regretful for letting Eld tell him.

Levi gestured her to sit down at the table, while he prepared the tea. She had been quiet from the very moment she came into his room, and so had he. He had given her several opportunities to start the conversation, but she had chosen silence instead. Levi decided to take the initiative then, and leaned against the wall before stating the reason he called for her.

‘I need to have a conversation with you, it is about…’

‘No!’ Petra interrupted him, as sudden intense feelings of anxiety interrupted her as well. ‘Don’t say it! Don’t say the word!’ she commanded him and he answered her outburst with silence.

‘…’ He remained still and calm against the wall as he studied her panicked face. Petra wondered what he thought of her now, lashing out at him was not the best thing she could have done towards her superior. He didn’t seem too bothered by it, but honestly, who could tell what captain Levi was thinking. He had never been an open book and he would never be. He might think of her as weak because she had not been able to protect herself. He might think she was disgusting, no matter how often she had bathed now. He might be thinking she would be no good for the squad.

Levi tried to brisk up the interrupted conversation again.

‘I wanted to talk about how you want to continue after this. What are your expectations? What do you want me to do to help you?’

Petra stared deep into the wooden table, she wasn’t too bothered to look Levi in the eye before replying he couldn’t help her with anything. But his time he wasn’t going to let the silence fill up the conversation again. He had finished preparing the tea and he attempted to hand Petra a cup, but she didn’t take it from he so instead he just put it down on the table in front of her.

‘There is nothing you can think of that would possibly help you?’ Levi asked, but this time Petra’s eyes did meet his, but with an intense glare. Why did he keep on pushing this conversation? Why wasn’t he as direct now as he always was?

‘If you are going to fire me just get it over with.’ Levi pulled a pained face as she spat the words to him. He had never seen her so hostile before.

‘How is firing you going to help you? You need some day to day security in your life, you need to have a routine, something to keep you going. How is firing you going to keep you going? I’m telling you now, firing you is not going to be of any help, so why would I fire you? Tell me exactly how you would like to be supported.’ Levi tried to make Petra see his intention and reason to have this conversation, he tried to look for solutions, but Petra couldn’t get herself to tune in.

‘I want to be left alone.’ Petra stared mindlessly into the wooden table. How she did want to be left alone now, but she also knew Levi wouldn’t give up so easily.

‘…’ Levi felt at a loss of words, he didn’t really know how he could get her to see he was on her side. He had been amidst of so many horrible and difficult situations, but with this he felt hopelessly inadequate. ‘Will you tell me about how you feel then?’ 

Sometimes she suffered from her vivid memories, sometimes everything that had happened was a vague and distant fog in her mind. Her thoughts felt uncontrollable, as if they weren’t hers anymore. Her heart could race so fast she feared it should be broken by now. She felt restless, scared and uncomfortable with people, but she also felt tired and unmotivated, not even to move. She felt shame, and disgust, and sadness, and anger. She felt she had lost her autonomy, she felt she didn’t own her own body anymore. She felt so many things at the same time.

‘I don’t feel anything’ She stated blankly.

Levi let himself fall back against the backrest of the chair and folded his arms. She didn’t let him through her façade. 

‘You need to know that I don’t blame you for anything.’ He attempted again, but this time she couldn’t take it no more. She had told him she wanted to be left alone, but he kept on trying. Her anger welled up to a point where she couldn’t control it anymore, and she slammed her cup of tea through the room. She took a deep breath, as if she was preparing to yell at Levi, but instead, she started to cry.

‘What a waste of proper tea.’ Levi mumbled and shook his head, while remaining as calm and collected as always. Petra wanted to make up for her sudden outburst. Her anger had come as swift as it had ceased, and it had only left her with sadness and regret. She fell to her knees to help him clean it up, but Levi only gestured her to sit back down on the chair.

‘It is fine, I got it.’ So as to not bother him any further, Petra decided for once tonight to actually do as he said, and took her place at the table again. This time she pressed her hands firmly in her lap, so she wouldn’t slam and shatter another cup.

When Levi had finished cleaning the mess she made in silence, he sat back down across the table. The teacup had been shattered to pieces, but it didn’t bother him as much as one would expect. He knew his priorities. Perhaps the shards would even bring luck at some point. It was about time for a bit of luck again. Levi sighed before breaking the silence once more, now telling Petra directly what he had been trying to say all evening.

‘If you don’t feel comfortable enough to participate in hand-to-hand combat training, that is fine with me. Perhaps you would want to consider doing some other chore in the meantime while others train, to keep your mind occupied. I don’t want to fire you, I want to tell you to feel as free to join in as free to stand down when you need to. It’s your choice.’

‘I shouldn’t have done that’ Petra was still too occupied with everything she could have possibly done wrong to be able to realize what Levi had just offered her.

‘It doesn’t matter anymore, it has already happened. You can’t change it anyway.’

Still Petra felt the need to leave. She hadn’t had herself in hand this evening and she couldn’t bear facing her mistakes right now. She wanted to either sink through the floor, or run away. She chose the latter.

‘I’m sorry. I need to leave’

‘The power of shame only magnifies if you don’t open up about it.’ Levi tried one last time making her stay, but to no avail. Petra had already reached the door. She didn’t want to open up about anything anymore, and she really didn’t want to drag this conversation any further.

‘Just one more thing…’ And Levi decided to let her leave the room after telling her the second law of hope in recovery.

‘Healing is not a perfectly streamlined process, it takes time and it will have its ups and downs. Sometimes it will be better, and sometimes it will be worse. It takes a lot of effort to get over a traumatic event. There will be days when you’re able to enjoy life, when you gather new positive experiences, have fun and do nice things. There will also be days where you have to face the darkness of the past when you are most troubled to accept it. To be able to do that you need to have a home base that offers you safety and security. You have both here. You are safe and secure here. May it be the fundament to build your future on.’

‘Thank you.’ Petra whispered while pushing herself out of the room, but Levi wouldn’t be able to hear her whisper.


	5. Gunther: The Third Law

Gunther: The Third Law

It was sunny outside. The warmth on Petra’s skin had been a pleasant addition to her day, yet she had trouble enjoying it wholeheartedly. Her mind kept wandering off, to happy days past. The days where her only concern would be what she would have for dinner.   
Petra wanted to return to those days. She could still see it all happen in front of her eyes: the picknick with the squad.   
They should have been training, but it had been so hot even Levi started to slack. So instead of working their asses off, they decided their asses could use a break, and have a picknick in the meadow nearby. Levi brought tea along, his eternal accessory. Eld had told everyone today would be the day he would get a tan, but he fell asleep in the grass, so peacefully still. Or he wasn’t asleep, they weren’t really sure, but no one wanted tot bother him at his rest. Oluo was biting on a long piece of straw grass he passed along the way here, like he was some cowboy. He wasn’t very accustomed to high temperatures and his face started to get a little sunburned, but he pretended he was fire resistant.   
Oluo was gathering flowers for her. Petra had made it her goal to provide everyone with a hand-made, fresh flower crown. She was wearing the first one she made. The soft color of the forget-me-nots adorned her golden hair. Petra had already made one for Eld as well, she gently placed it on his head, trying not to disturb his sleep.   
Gunther was silently present at the scene, mostly engaged in his book. He sat under the tree, in the shadow. Not that he didn’t enjoy the sun, but somehow, the shadow kind of suited him.  
Petra found him reading underneath the same tree today, hiding away from the blaring sun. She wanted to join him, but felt uneasy to intrude his calm ambiance. He seemed to attract the calmness. He had always been more the silent type. Not shy, just introverted. Petra could use a bit of his calmness. She laughed in herself when she recalled his funny face when he finally received a flower crown of his own that day. The string of forget-me-nots rested on his head while his focus never shifted away from his book. An oddly satisfying sight, a serious man with a pretty flower crown. Of course she would never forget.   
She slowly approached and sat down close to him. She kept the silence and refrained to say anything, awkwardly settling down under the tree. He did notice her presence, no matter how swift and quiet she would be, he was always alert. Not a detail would go unnoticed. He looked her way briefly before she spoke.   
‘Sorry, just go on with your book, pretend I’m not here.’ He did not ask any questions and continued his reading. He never was one of questions anyway, always silently complying. Not a man of words, but he surely had many thoughts occupying his mind. He was more one if thinking and observing, trying to read the people around him like they were one of his favorite books. 

Gunther slammed his book shut and got up, no warning sign. He left her on her own under the tree, Petra didn’t understand what had gotten into him to so suddenly disappear. As if she carried a hopelessly dramatic story inside of her that he didn’t feel like reading, as if her intrusive thoughts were intruding his calmness as well while he wanted nothing to do with all the negative she brought along. She felt unjustified, she was more than a sad book people could open to read and just slam shut when they felt like it.   
Petra was about to spiral further down into her negative thinking pattern, when Gunther out of nowhere sat back down next to her. She hadn’t noticed him coming back, the sneaky bastard, it almost made her jump. He brought along two cups of tea and handed one to her and explained when he saw her eyes wide with confusion.   
‘How can I pretend you are not here when you are?’ he reminded her of her presence in the present, this instant. She acknowledged she tended to drift away from the here and now. As if she was a slave of the past. Someone from the past had enslaved her to a dark scenario that kept on playing over and over again in her head. The thought of him made her heart race again, an uneasy feeling tickled her stomach. She had wanted to call for help, but no one was around. Now she wanted someone to help her escape her thoughts, but the words were hard to find when all she could be preoccupied with was heavy breathing. She took one deep breath and forced out a whisper. ‘Gunther.’ Petra tried to call out for his help, but at this volume no one would have been able to hear her. Though no reply to her distress, his voice made her snap back into reality. Grounding, but inviting his low voice spoke.   
‘Let’s go for a walk. The weather is nice enough.’ He had already been two paces ahead of her, physically and mentally. As if he had anticipated her state without her telling him. She quickly moved to follow him, pacing away from the past again.   
As much as she had missed the old times, she felt quite at peace with Gunther. She did not have to explain him anything, he was fine with not knowing what had happened exactly. He didn’t fill the void with chit-chat, they could just walk side by side, their faces caressed by hot sun rays. His hands self-soothing in his pockets. His hands… She faded out as she disturbingly thought of how his hands could do just as much as anyone else. The good things, but also the bad… Her anxiety brisked up so quickly it had made her want to puke. What if he…   
‘I wish you did not have to go through all this.’ He said.   
‘Huh?’ His statement came too sudden for her. It had surprised her. He cut off her trail of abhorrent thoughts with a conversation, the way only he seemed to be capable of. As if he could cue when her thoughts got negative. As if he could hear them, but Petra really really really didn’t want him to know what her mind had been making up.

‘How are you feeling about it now, do you have any mixed feelings?’ She did. She had wanted to believe she hadn’t done anything wrong, but at the same time she felt as if it was her own fault. She wanted to believe she was strong and independent, but she appeared not to be when she need her strength the most. Perhaps she should have fought harder, but she couldn’t manage. She sighed.  
‘I’m not even making sense anymore.’  
‘You are totally making sense.’ Gunther replied with a welcoming tone. They shortly looked each other in the eye. Petra had a tormented look on her face, Gunther didn’t. He appeared as compassionate as before. He would never want to hurt her, how could she have been thinking those things at the first place? Not all of the world was a dangerous place. She was safe in his presence.   
She felt connected to a strange form of happiness via Gunther. Her world had been far from a happy place, but he made their own tiny happy world today, by taking her out for a walk, and taking her away from the madness in her mind.   
Her eyes fell on blooming forget-me-nots, like the one from the flower crown. She enjoyed the memory of the picknick and pointed to the flowers. She hadn’t been smiling that often anymore, let alone around others, but Gunther did catch the smile on her face today. It might even have been brighter than the sun.  
‘Do you still remember? The picknick? You looked so funny with a flower crown.’ Petra giggled.  
‘How can I forget?’ it was kind of a rhetorical question. He did not need an answer. ‘It would be good to make some new positive experience and happy memories. Maybe they can some day compensate for the bad ones.’ He said, as Petra wondered how many happy moments were needed to overwrite that one bad moment. Gunther finished, yearning for the good of times like these as well, ‘We should do that again sometime.’   
‘I’ll make you another flower crown!’ Petra agreed.

Petra hadn’t realized they had already arrived at their destination. They had been walking way longer than it had felt. Gunther could have led her anywhere and she would not notice where she had been heading, but he brought her home.   
‘Thanks for taking a walk with me, it was really nice.’ She admitted her appreciation. Petra hadn’t really thought it through, but for the first time it didn’t need much consideration either. She fell into his arms and let him hug her. He had been the first one to make her feel comfortable enough to be approached like this. For some reason his arms didn’t feel like a cage around her body. For a fraction of time he carried her burden with her, in his arms, and she had felt lighter afterwards.

That night Petra had trouble sleeping again, as always. She still found herself unsafe enough to close her eyes, but this time she might have a solution to it. Though a bit insecure of her proposal, she found herself in Gunther’s room, her blanket and pillows under her arm.  
‘I don’t want to be a burden, but I just can’t endure not sleeping anymore, can I stay here? I’ll just sleep on the ground, I won’t ask for more than your presence.’ She didn’t intend on sounding desperate, but she was almost begging him. Gunther didn’t seem to mind it that much, it couldn’t be much more different than sharing a tent anyway.  
‘Just let me sleep on the ground, then.’ Gunther wasn’t going to discuss this, he had already gotten up from his own bed to take her place on the ground.  
‘Are you sure?’ Petra asked. It had been his idea, but she felt guilty of taking his time, space and bed. She heard him yawn, his sleepy, husky voice assured her.  
‘I can sleep anywhere anyway. I just close my eyes and I’m gone…’ it went silent for a while, Petra thought he had already drifted off to his sleeping world, but instead he had been rehearsing a small soliloquy for her, encompassing the third law of hope in recovery.  
‘Never feel as if anything changed between us. We are still friends and we will always be. You are accepted just the way you are. You did nothing wrong, we are on your side. Never forget we still love you.’  
Petra hadn’t come up with an adequate reply yet. His words echoed in her head, trying to make sense of them. ‘We still love you…’ she repeated under her breath, over and over again she whispered his last sentence, immortalizing his words in her mind so she would never forget, ‘we still love you’.   
‘Thank you.’ At last, she replied, but when she turned around to face him, he had already fallen asleep. Petra smiled, she liked the peacefulness of sleeping people. And with that small smile she followed Gunther into the realm of dormancy, having the first proper night rest in weeks.


	6. Oluo: The Fourth Law

Oluo: The Fourth Law

Petra felt her abdomen cramp slightly. It wasn’t the worst of pains, but the knowledge it wasn’t her period bothering her caused her distress. She had lost some blood as well earlier this morning. God, she wished it had been her period, although she hated that too. When the doctor told her, she was both relieved and panicked. As if the whole event hadn’t been stressful enough, she now had to deal with even more of the aftermath.

She had wanted to complain about it to her squad mates, just to vent, and cry, but Gunther and Oluo didn’t even know explicitly what had happened. The thought of them knowing so much about her body also kind of scared her, even as she was pretty sure they wouldn’t blame her personally. Her abdomen cramped again as Oluo knocked on the door to come in, and Petra struggled to keep her face in check, she didn’t want him to see she was in pain, for it would trouble his ignorance even more. He would be worried sick, and try to get Eld to inform on her again if she couldn’t assure him right away. It would be better if he didn’t know anything at all, for now at least.

‘Are you coming with me today? You have been spending so much time alone this week, you need some distractions. I’m headed back to my family, you are welcome to join, my brothers really miss you anyway.’ Oluo’s brothers were little diabolical angels, always in for shenanigans. They did really love Petra. By now they met the entire Levi squad, but no one topped Petra, not even Humanity’s Strongest himself. When Petra visited along with Oluo, his brothers would just stick to her like glue and never let go. Often when she came, she wouldn’t be able to leave after their bedtime, for his brothers would only say goodnight, never goodbye. The deception they had to face when she was gone the following morning was almost unbearable, thus Oluo.

Petra did miss his brothers as well, they were still so young and so innocent and so full of joy. Perhaps she did need to be in their bubbly space for a bit, so she nodded and prepared to leave with Oluo.

‘Are you… okay?’ they were almost there and only now Oluo directly dared to ask. It was a dreaded question. Petra wanted to answer it honestly but she didn’t really want to concern him either. She folded her arms over her chest as to soothe herself, and sighed. Perhaps she should just tell him the truth from now on, he wouldn’t buy her telling him she was fine anyway.

‘I don’t feel so good. I spoke to the doctor some time ago, and I’m not really happy with the results. It’s just… Nothings seems to turn out right and everything has to be so much to handle, I…’ her soliloquy was suddenly interrupted by a choir of people calling out Oluo’s name. His brothers surprised and jolly, his mother seriously agitated.

Oluo looked up, he furrowed his brows and quickened his pace towards his home. ‘What’s wrong mom?’ he tried to be audible over the chanting of his brothers, ‘We want your cape, we want your cape!’ It’s the very first thing they always confiscated. A tale-old ritual that repeated every time he arrived home. His brothers just wouldn’t allow Oluo to enter the house before he handed over his cape, so by now, after all these years it was no discussion anymore when they asked for it. Oluo handed his cape over immediately and walked up to where his mother’s voice came from. She sounded pretty alarmed.

‘You need to come in to help.’ And so he did.

It had been a pretty wild reception. His mother had had no time to greet her though she had noticed Petra came along. She knew Oluo’s mother had been a busy woman. Most of her time was spend taking care of the little ones, but sometimes she would also be a midwife in their neighborhood. She usually assisted the less wealthy families around town, who couldn’t afford a professionally trained doctor, but many women swore by her care. She had enough experience, both practical and personal to know what she was doing.

She often asked Oluo to help her carry her tools around, bring her scissors or baskets or more linen. Always the linen… He never assisted with the actual childbirth, but he felt humbled to provide her of all her tools and necessities. Sometimes Oluo complained about feeling awkward and inadequate in the room, childbirths were not really the kind of stress he was accustomed to. Yet it had never stopped him from lending a hand.

When Oluo told Petra about him assisting his mother sometimes, he told it like it was something to be ashamed of, but Petra had done nothing else but admire it.

His brothers weren’t aware of the situation going on inside the house, and continued to play hero with the cape they demanded earlier. When they noticed Petra had come along, they all made up for the rushed reception by hugging her and jumping around. Of course they inquired if she coincidentally brought her cape along as well, and if they could play with hers too, but she had left it at the headquarters. She didn’t feel like a hero today. 

‘I had hoped you had time to help me.’ Petra could follow the conversation between Oluo and his mother as Oluo appeared lingering in the doorway on his way back after being inside for a couple of minutes.

‘Do you want me to make time to help you, mom?’ she heard Oluo offer. Petra was kind of disappointed, she had hoped to spend her day with Oluo, but she did understand there were priorities.

‘No, I think it’s better if you would take the children with you for the day, and maybe cook tonight?’ They settled on that division of labor, and Petra smiled satisfied. She loved his little brothers and didn’t mind taking them along today. They were still running around with Oluo’s cape, pretending to be him. They didn’t understand the job Oluo had and what he did in the SC, they didn’t get the risks he was taking, but Oluo got a cape out of it and so they wanted to be like him when they grow older. Oluo wasn’t sure if he would approve of it, he knew the dangers all too well. He still tried to come up with another way for them to get their own.

‘Are you coming with us, Petra?’ There were three younger Bozado’s who all wanted to hold Petra’s hand and Petra only had two hands, they were all really happy to hear she would join, but really sad one of them would have to hold Oluo’s hand instead of Petra’s. She loved the little ones, but still felt awkward for them loving her as well. Oluo had told her that she shouldn’t feel awkward, and that she should try to accept others can love her just as much as she can love people. 

‘No, no, I can’t buy you a SC cape. You don’t buy capes, you earn them. Petra earned one too with her expertise.’ Oluo tried to explain.

‘Petra is an expert too?’ one of them yelled surprised.

‘I do sound prestigious if you put it that way.’ Petra chimed into their conversation.

‘Well you are, you have accomplished a lot already…’ Oluo replied.

‘If I can’t get a cape, can I have ice-cream?’ as soon as the word ice-cream fell it was silent for a split-second, before they all simultaneously started to beg Oluo for ice-cream. Even Petra had to be part of their conspiracy to get ice-cream, as ‘Oluo won’t tell you no’, she was explained. Oluo blushed when he heard his brother’s confession, but refrained from defending himself, wondering why his brothers had to call him out like this.

They arrived at the playground only a little while after, and Oluo let his brothers go wild there so he would have time to restart the conversation he and Petra had earlier.

‘What were you saying about the results? They weren’t good?’ Oluo had a feeling where this would go to, but Petra first needed the assurance that he understood what it all was about, even though she hadn’t told him anything either.

‘You might have figured out what happened right?’ Petra asked hesitantly. He told her he did figure it out. And he did, after all these years working with her he had a good sense of how to interpret her. She never wanted to pronounce the word, and he followed the unspoken rule religiously, so he held back from giving the event a name. Her expression changed from content to dysphoric. 

‘I messed up, Oluo. I felt so horrible I washed myself right away. Turns out I shouldn’t have done that because it ruins the evidence. I also had to see a doctor right away, which I didn’t either.’ Petra had to hold back her tears, Oluo felt sorry for her. Getting justice could feel so unjust sometimes…

‘And the test results…’ she continued, but got interrupted by a sob she wasn’t able to suppress anymore. Oluo hadn’t enough patience to let her speak and filled in the blank for her.

‘Are you pregnant?!’ He might have said it too loud, he subsequently realized, and Petra gave him a shocked look.

‘No. No. I’m not pregnant…’ she took a deep breath before she gained enough strength to reveal her vulnerability to him. ‘But I have an STI…’ she whispered. Oluo tried to remain as collected as possible, he didn’t want Petra to shut down now she was finally opening up to him. He didn’t want to scare her, but he wanted her to be more specific, how could he help her if he only knew half of the information.

‘Which one?’ he whispered, still trying to show a little respect for her privacy. Her lips moved, but nothing came out yet, she felt ashamed. Petra sighed a couple of times, tried to speak, but failed. She inhaled deeply a couple of times, but failed to speak again.

‘It’s not your fault.’ He reassured her, and she finally opened up to whisper it was chlamydia. Petra was still stuck in her dreary mood, but Oluo was more relieved.

‘That’s treatable. You are being treated right? You can get inflammations if you don’t, or become infertile…’

‘Yeah.’ Petra stared at the playground, where Oluo’s brothers were playing undisturbedly. She was on top of it this time and started treatment right away, she would be alright in a couple of weeks. Still, the thought of not being able to have children of her own, cute little children like Oluo’s brothers were, made her feel sad. Petra made it her motivation to invest in her recovery once more.

‘You do realize you are not to blame, right?’ Oluo asked after a moment of peace and quiet. Petra sighed while hugging herself with her arms, but didn’t really answer yet. Oluo didn’t need her answer anyway, he knew what she was thinking right now, ‘I know you want to avoid the topic, but you can’t avoid it forever. Avoiding it has protected you from additional psychological trauma, but you can’t heal by completely evading the topic. This coping mechanism won’t serve you forever, in time it will only cause more anxiety.’ Oluo knew he sounded cruel, but it was a harsh truth he had to tell. Just to be sure he wasn’t going to hard on her, he changed his voice to a softer tone, he didn’t intend to scare her off.

‘You need to be less hard on yourself. I don’t think you are at fault at all. I know that’s how you feel about yourself, but your feelings are not factual. Tell me, why should it be your fault?’ Oluo asked, but Petra remained silent, she couldn’t really come up with a convincing argument that could satisfy him.

‘I attracted it and I didn’t fight hard enough.’

‘Would you ever justify a crime like this, when it happens to someone else? If it happened to Nifa, would you tell her she attracted it and she just didn’t fight hard enough?’ The thought of her saying something like that to Nifa pained her, so she shook her head quickly.

‘Then why would you do this to yourself?’

‘I don’t know, Oluo.’ Petra did get the point he was making, but still she was confused. He presented her with a whole different way of interpretation and challenged her thoughts. It felt uncomfortable to pronounce her beliefs out loud, and her beliefs were even harder to defend. It had been silent for a while again, Oluo gave her some time to process it all. She fidgeted with her hair and pulled up her legs onto the bench to have a tighter grip on her own body. After a while she found herself ready to challenge more of her thoughts, and she presented Oluo with a new one.

‘I can’t trust anyone anymore.’

‘No one? That are a lot of people. Are there people you do still trust?’ Oluo waited to see Petra nod slowly before continuing, ‘so if there are only a very few people you can still trust, can you name all the people you _do_ trust?’

‘You, my parents, your parents, Levi, Eld and Gunther…’ Petra stopped, thinking it was enough but Oluo didn’t give in so easily, he still had a point to make.

‘No, go on, are there more people you trust?’

‘And Hanji and Nifa and Nanaba, Moblit and Keiji, Gelgar and Mike.’ Weren’t it enough names for him yet? Does she have to list the entire SC? ‘Perhaps Erwin too… Abel and Lynne, Rashad, Henning and Dita…’ she had finally named enough people for Oluo to be satisfied.

‘It is getting quite a long list of people for a world where you can’t trust anyone… And the people you really _cannot_ trust?’ Petra shook her head, she didn’t know his name and even if she did, she wouldn’t want to pronounce it, so Oluo finished the conclusion for her.

‘The people you really _cannot_ trust happens to be only one person. The rest of the world is still a rather good place. You get what I mean?’ she did understand, but it still felt hard to believe. She nodded anyway, wondering what he had to say about her other thoughts.

‘I am weak’ she stated blankly. Oluo sighed and frowned, how could she even think this about herself? Isn’t she his esteemed friend and expert SC member?

‘You have a different way of measuring your strength than I do. Strength doesn’t have to be solely physical. In what ways are you strong?’ He asked, trying to get her to review herself a little more positively.

She felt awkward saying these things about herself, but she tried nonetheless. ‘I am strong-willed,’ Petra started, and Oluo nodded. ‘I am still a skilled soldier. I am still trying to go on every day.’

‘Yeah, you have proven to be very resilient, right? A real survivor. And what is weak about a survivor?’ Oluo asked her once more, Petra simply shrugged her shoulders. So Oluo added: ‘Tell me more about your beliefs, do you have other automatic thoughts?’

‘No one will like me when they find out about what happened.’ Petra still felt a little disgusted about herself, or, at least she expected others to think so about her.

‘Why would no one like you?’ Oluo wanted her to concretize what she meant with “not liking her”, that would make restructuring her assumptions easier to handle.

‘People will think I’m gross or broken.’ Petra explained sadly.

‘ _People_ will think that about you, or do _you_ just think that about yourself?’ Oluo retorted.

‘Well, they are my thoughts about what other people might think about me…’ So Petra did realize her thoughts were mere assumptions, based on an attempt to read other people’s minds? No one can read any other’s mind, so neither could Petra.

‘But you can’t predict what other people think. Do you want to know what other people think? Do you want to know what I think? I know what happened to you, and I don’t think that way at all. You are still a loveable person, always kind and compassionate. People who like or love you will continue to do so even if they find out about what happened. You are worthy of that love and you should not accept otherwise.’ Oluo gave her some time to process the things he just told her. Petra was sure she would need a couple more days to think all of this through, it hadn’t settled in her mind just yet. She would rehearse his words, attempting to accept the logic of it fully.

She still had one last thought, it was the most persistent one so far. This one had clouded her mind most, made her feel hopeless for the future. She took the chance, hoping Oluo could help her change this thought, she hadn’t been able to do it herself. And so she told him: ‘It’s never going to be alright, I will never recover from this.’

‘What are you doing right now? Aren’t you already recovering?’ Oluo seemed genuinely confused, he surely had a different opinion on her recovery so far, and he was ready to challenge hers.

‘Not that much.’ Petra whispered, Oluo’s reaction made her confidence in her automatic belief wane a little.

‘Can you recover all at once? Just overnight?’ It was a rhetoric question Oluo asked, they both knew that wouldn’t be possible, yet he still waited for her to speak the word.

‘No.’

‘How did you improve the last few weeks?’ It would be easier if he just told her right away, but there was no challenging her stream of thoughts if he would just state what he was thinking. She had to think this through herself, come up with small improvements all by herself to be able to internalize her small successes.

‘I went to see a doctor, I tried to take a little bit more care of myself, Eld made me eat. I dared to hug Gunther and now I am talking with you about my thoughts.’ Petra had found it a stupid, short list, yet Oluo seemed to think differently about it: ‘So how are you not improving? You have already come so far.’

‘It doesn’t feel like I’m improving.’ She clarified her point of view

‘It is still hard, but it will get better gradually. You have been happy and successful before, you are going to be happy and successful again. Even if you can’t go back to how you were before this all happened, there is still a future for you to create.’ Oluo assured her anyway. Petra stared off at the playground. Her head was hurting by now and she needed a break. Silence and the laughter of children in the background would do just fine. Creating her own future still seemed like a difficult plan, but becoming a master of her own fate did also sound like a tempting task.

That evening Petra couldn’t leave until the children had had dinner and went to bed. They never handled telling her goodbye, they only agreed to tell her goodnight, so she had stayed until they had to sleep. It already started to get dark outside. Oluo had offered her to stay at his family’s place for the night, but Petra didn’t want to, so he promised her he would bring her back. He wouldn’t want her to go alone after everything that had happened.

He lingered in the doorway again, trying to find the right words to determine the fourth law of hope in recovery.

‘You need to trust yourself more. You truly are stronger than you think you are. Your strength lies in resilience, you are capable and you are worthy of the future that still lies ahead of you. You need to recognize your value and esteem and accept it internally. Be a little more proud of yourself, because surely we are proud of you.’ Oluo said.

Petra wanted to thank him, but he had already left to shoo his brothers to their beds.


	7. Levi: The Fifth Law

Levi: The Fifth Law

It had been dark outside. The hallways were almost empty and quiet, and most people had finished their day, ready to head to bed. Petra was still strolling through the corridors, silently lingering in front of Levi’s door. She had been thinking of speaking to him, but she wasn’t sure he was waiting for her to come by at this hour. She hadn’t really been alone with him since the last time, and she still felt shame of her past behavior creeping in her mind. Petra hadn’t really apologized or explained it to him, but she was determined that one day she would. Now she stood in front of his door, contemplating if today was the day. She decided it was.

Anxiety came back to her when she knocked his door, but Petra didn’t want tot run this time. She felt brave and in her bravado she found the strength to enter right after he allowed her to.

Levi sat behind his desk, his paperwork dimly lit. His eyes quickly analyzed who had had the audacity to come disturb his working at this hour, but when he saw it was Petra, he swallowed his annoyance. He never stopped writing while she slowly approached him. He still had so much to do he could barely spare a second. Petra wondered if she couldn’t have chosen a better time to ask for his attention, but somehow she doubted there would ever be a time Levi wasn’t busy. All she knew was she was ready to talk with him now, and unless he told her to leave, she would seize this moment.

‘Do you have time to talk?’ Petra sounded calm and patient this time, in heavy contrast with how she left his office last time, today she had entered it more assertively than ever.

‘I do have much paperwork to do,’ Levi paused, finally putting his pen down and reorganizing the files, ‘but if you want to talk now, I’ll make time for you.’ He gestured her to sit down with him and Petra smiled faintly when she realized she was still as welcome as always. She did fold her arms a bit awkwardly around herself, though she felt ready to talk, she still needed to soothe herself a little. It wasn’t going to be small talk anyway. She took a silent but deep breath, avoided looking straight into his eyes. Not that she feared much judgement, but Levi also was a man of stoic facial expressions, and she wouldn’t find judgement nor comfort in his eyes.

‘I wanted to apologize for last time. I’m sorry for the tea and the tea cup, and leaving so abruptly. I wasn’t ready to talk yet, but I now am, and I would like to talk with you.’ Petra waited for Levi’s response, but he didn’t reply in words, instead he took one last sip of his tea before getting up to brew some more. If they were going to have a serious conversation that would definitely last a while longer than five minutes, he would want to have this conversation well-prepared.

He handed her her own hot cup of tea, and Petra chuckled faintly. ‘I won’t throw it around this time.’ She promised, and Levi lightly nodded before sitting down in front of her again. His look a little more stern by now. He could see through Petra’s smiling and chuckling: she was still a little tense about confronting him, so he realized it was about time to break his silence, and show his care.

‘How are you doing now?’ he asked in a low and calm voice. If all he didn’t want to scare her away one more time. ‘What are you still struggling with?’

‘I’m doing a bit better. I do find it hard… to be alone with my thoughts. They can get the best of me sometimes. It is difficult to overrule the ruminating, but I suppose I should try not to become my own worst enemy. Especially at night, when all is dark and quiet like now, the negative voice in my head gets extra leeway. Sometimes I get a little scared again.’ Petra bravely spoke, barely stumbling over her words. As collected as she may sound, she still felt a bit uneasy. Though the uneasiness slowly seemed to fade as time passed, she still had to redirect the nervosity to fidgeting with her sleeves. Levi still didn’t say much, only relied on nonverbal communication. It would have appeased Petra a bit more if he would fill up the room with words as much as she did. But perhaps Petra was expecting a way of communication of Levi, he wouldn’t be able to adapt to. He merely led their conversation with his questions.

‘What would work for you to battle these negative thoughts?’ taking another sip of his tea, he gave her some time to think. He knew she would find it hard to give him a solid answer, if only she knew how to combat her negative thoughts, how could they still be a problem? She couldn’t come up with an answer straight away, and nervosity rose up again. Petra chuckled it away.

‘Well, like I said, throwing around with tea cups is not the best way to cope.’ Levi gave her more time to think, he would not accept jokes as a legit answer. He knew it was hard to come up with good ways to handle herself, so he gave her the opportunity to actively think about it now. After a while she sighed, shaking her head.

‘I don’t know.’ Petra expected some judgement, or dissatisfaction with her answer, but Levi simply nodded. He didn’t give her an easy task, but it also wasn’t supposed to be easy. How would she grow stronger as a person, if she never had to face difficulties? He wanted her to know that the place of resistance is also the only place of growth.

‘You don’t have to be successfully challenging your own negative thoughts right away, you will do well enough if you can recognize the negative thought distortions for now. Just know they inaccurately try to convince you of things that don’t are the way you think they are.’ Levi waited for Petra to reply, but this time she matched his communication style with non-verbality as well, agreeing with his advice ad subject to continuation of the conversation. 

‘How can we continue to help you?’ He asked. Petra smiled again. She liked answering this one. She could tell how much she had already been helped. It reminded her of how her friends had consolidated her trust in them. How Eld had encouraged her to take care of her basic needs, even though she had to struggle while doing it. It had been no big deal now, he taught her well. She could barely realize there had been a time when eating was her most dreaded day task.

She told him of Gunther as well. It sounded funny and sentimental, but nonetheless it was true. The only silence in which she was able to feel comfortable, where her negative thoughts wouldn’t be clamorous, was with him. Simply being with him would make her feel safe. Safe enough to be hugged. Safe enough to lay her eyes to rest.

She told him of Oluo as well. She hadn’t gained his skill of debunking her negative beliefs, but she was eager to learn from him. And while he had been doing most of the challenging work, she had listened to him attentively to understand his logic.

When she was finished telling him all she smiled nervously again. She wondered if he would understand why it made her feel content, or if she would look like a silly girl to him. Instead Petra was convinced she saw him smile as well. A small curl on the corners of his lips, suppressed, but it was still there. Petra was sure of it, and now she was assured he didn’t condemn her taste of happiness.

‘Are there other things that still make you happy like this?’ though Petra’s happiness hadn’t been loyally following her all her life, she still had things that could make her happy. Simple things. Singing along with her favorite songs, picking flowers, baking cookies, visiting her parents, staring at books to decide which one of them had the prettiest cover, the sound of rain at nighttime, warm blankets. There still were many things that could make her feel better about the quality of her life, even if they were at complete random.

‘And drinking tea with you.’ She finished her enumeration. She had hoped she could elicit a smile on Levi’s face again. She wouldn’t say that out loud, but she enjoyed seeing him smile as well. It wasn’t something to occur often and it had been especially a treat if his smiling would be her doing. 

‘Where lies your potency to grow as a person?’ Petra shook her head. She wasn’t sure why it would be of interest to better her person. As far as she was concerned, she was still occupied with recovering. Though recovering had never meant she could go back to the person she was before, she did not see why she had to grow past it instead. ‘Why? What do I do to grow as a person?’

She could run again like she did last time, but this conversation didn’t spark her anxiety as much as the last one. It only fueled her curiosity of what more he could offer her right now. So she listened to Levi’s explanation: ‘It’s not about doing, it’s about being.’

Petra opened her mouth to request his concretization, but Levi had already anticipated on her confusion, thus continuing with the fifth law of hope in recovery:

‘Sometimes it is better to invest in the kind of person you want to be, rather than the achievements your persona wants to live up to in life. Which requires you to think of who you are now, before you can understand how you can be more like the person you want to be. Invest in being the best version of yourself.’

‘Thank you.’ she thought, but how could he read her mind, if she didn’t put it in words? She did find the words to tell what she hadn’t been able to tell all this time before. ‘I want to tell you about what happened that fateful day.’

And so she finally did.


	8. Epilogue

Epilogue

It had been time for dinner. Petra knew she was the last to join their table, where the rest of her squad would wait. She felt happier lately, she enjoyed to be in their company and dinner time hadn’t been such a draining event anymore. The crowds around them weren’t so overwhelming anymore, when others laughed, Petra often found herself laughing as well. There still was some happiness in her, even it was as much as a candle burning in a pitch black room, it had been enough to keep her going. Her friends had kept her going. She recited the words they gave her when she was at her lowest of lows, a hierarchy of laws that had helped her build herself back up to this day.

Her Five Laws of Hope:

**Eld: The First Law** ‘ _Keep on caring for yourself, if you can’t, let others help you instead. Sometimes you have to go back to basics, because your basic needs deserve to be met. You cannot hope for betterment if you neglect your most basic of needs. That means, concretely, you have to keep on eating and drinking, make sure you have a roof over your head and keep on filling your lungs with oxygen. I want you to be better, so I’ll help you with that. Ask me if you need me, I’ll be around.’_

**Levi: The Second Law** ‘ _Healing is not a perfectly streamlined process, it takes time and it will have its ups and downs. Sometimes it will be better, and sometimes it will be worse. It takes a lot of effort to get over a traumatic event. There will be days when you’re able to enjoy life, when you gather new positive experiences, have fun and do nice things. There will also be days where you have to face the darkness of the past when you are most troubled to accept it. To be able to do that you need to have a home base that offers you safety and security. You have both here. You are safe and secure here. May it be the fundament to build your future on.’_

**Gunther: The Third Law** ‘ _Never feel as if anything changed between us. We are still friends and we will always be. You are accepted just the way you are. You did nothing wrong, we are on your side. Never forget we still love you.’_

**Oluo: The Fourth Law** ‘ _You need to trust yourself more. You truly are stronger than you think you are. Your strength lies in resilience, you are capable and you are worthy of the future that still lies ahead of you. You need to recognize your value and esteem and accept it internally. Be a little more proud of yourself, because surely we are proud of you.’_

**Levi: The Fifth Law** ‘ _Sometimes it is better to invest in the kind of person you want to be, rather than the achievements your persona wants to live up to in life. Which requires you to think of who you are now, before you can understand how you can be more like the person you want to be. Invest in being the best version of yourself.’_

Petra arrived at the their table, where they had already been seated for a while now. She lingered in front of the them, waiting an instant before joining. These people had been more than her friends, she truly could rely on them, they were her small bubble of safety within a relentless world. Petra smiled gently, now she could finally tell them.

‘Thank you.’ She said, but this time they heard. She wasn’t where she wanted to be yet, but at least she was on her way. On her way to regain hope and recover.

-THE END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you managed to reach the ending of this story: well done, I'm proud of you!
> 
> Thank you for reading and never forget: the Five Laws go for everyone!
> 
> 1\. Keep on caring for yourself  
> 2\. Remember healing takes time and is never a perfectly linear process  
> 3\. Remember your loved ones love you for who you are, feel their acceptance  
> 4\. You are way stronger than you think you are, haven't you come so far already?  
> 5\. Invest in who you want to be
> 
> Love,


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